✫ ( text it out )

[stillstar]

[ He uses the system on Cae's ship to his advantage, connecting straight to whatever he has that receives messages. Ivor's comp band is as familiar a friend as any, and yet, he finds himself nervous as he composes a simple note, punctuated and sent with the most heart-felt sincerity. ]

I still love you.

Comments

[sirenscarred]

[ He's out getting food when he gets the message from Ivor. His old comp was trashed a long time ago, a lifetime ago when he was still something closer to human. Four words shouldn't be enough to undo him, but as he leans against a wall reading them over and over he finds his eyes stinging with tears.

It's with shaking hands he sends a reply. ]

i don't deserve it. you.

[stillstar]

[ Maybe it's wrong to bring it up when they're not face-to-face, when Ivor can't see Cae's reaction and judge his response accordingly. Truthfully, as always, but still tactfully. More than anything, he doesn't want to hurt him, and he doesn't want him to run off or disappear again without taking him when he goes. Ivor tries to breathe. ]

You deserve more than I have given you, Cae. I miss you. [ I miss us. But he doesn't type that. ] I want to know what we can be again.

[sirenscarred]

i don't know if i'm the same person you miss.

[ The boy who fell for Ivor on a ship years ago was gone. Or if not gone, transformed by the siren growing inside. He scrubs his face to make sure he's showing nothing to people on the street, not wanting to show any weakness that might make him a target. Their food should be done soon. ]

i'll be back soon, i promise.

[stillstar]

[ And then what? They would continue on this odd journey of theirs until they reached wherever it is Cae had decided they would go, say nothing to one another and step backwards through the small amount of progress they'd made since Ivor had found him? He leans back in his seat and filters through the comp band's message history, wishing he could touch the words that appear. Several years old, and he loves them just as much. ]

Don't talk like that. [ He can't take it. ] I love you no matter what you think you are, and I miss it just the same.

[sirenscarred]

[ He isn't human anymore, not in the ways that matter. The problem is figuring out how to convince Ivor of that fact. The evidence is written on his body in stars and nebulas. The fact that Ivor still wants to be with him after all the hurt he inflicted baffles him. ]

i just don't want you to get hurt. but i think i'm too selfish to try going without you again.

[ The street vendor he ordered from finally passes over a bag filled with steaming hot food and he turns back toward the hangar. It was a small gesture but he made sure to get things he knew were Ivor's favorites. ]

[stillstar]

[ Talking doesn't seem to do the same as it had those long three years ago, and Ivor feels something grip at his chest, wrapping and squeezing tight around his heart like a vice impossible to loosen. He breathes in, erasing the beginning of a message he'd already started to type before he'd gotten Cae's reply and sends something simple. If he keeps it short, if he keeps it detached and neutral... He's only hurting himself with each word then. ]

I would follow you anywhere. [ There's a definite pause, chewing on his lip as he thinks. ] We can discuss selfishness later. Come back.

[sirenscarred]

i'm on my way.

[ It's not a long walk, though it leaves him time to stew in his worries. Three years was a long time and he's still waiting for the shoe to drop. That Ivor hasn't come to his senses yet and realized how much he's wasted on him.

It's terrifying how much he still loves him because the monster inside him could ruin it. The hunger never goes away and just one slip...

Cae pushes it all away for the moment when he gets to the hangar. The door slides open and he locks it behind him. Thoughtlessly he drops his coat on the shelf near the airlock and his shoes sit haphazardly in the way before he goes to find Ivor. It's tentative when he sets the food down near him. ]

It's... I hope this is still your favorite. I remember a vendor sold them and thought...

[ God. Three years and he's forgotten how to talk to him all over again. ]